God, it's me, Jessica
“Hey, Dad? Hey, ummm, I don’t want to bother you, so please tell me if this is not something you care about…”
Peter 5:6-7: Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
“Right, ok. I know, it’s just… you know… I just feel so stupid about my anxieties. Why am I always trying to be so special? I’m just a nothing, and”
Psalm 139:13-14: For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
“Right. Yes, we are ALL special, but I don’t want to act like I might *actually* have something I can do for you, let alone ***just*** I can do…”
Ephesians 2:10: … we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
“Wow. Ok. I mean… you’re right. Sorry that I need so much reassurance. Like, really. Sorry. Ummm, so here goes: Jessica locked me in the trunk again. I need you to come get me out. Yeah, I know. I know. She (we) wrote that whole book about discovering that you love ME, the creative side, the prophetic side, that you made her as one whole person. But, I think this freaking global pandemic, the needs of the suddenly (though, really, we are so grateful for them and the opportunity!) homeschooled children just kicked her (us) right back into terrified, head-down, git-’er-done survival mode.”
Psalm 103:14-16: For he knows our frame, he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass: he flourishes like a flower of the field; for the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place knows it no more.
“Ok, right. You know how hard all this is, how much we are absorbing at once. But, like, that’s what she’s worried. She thinks she is just a waste of grassland, that there is no reason to try to make, write, or perform anything right now. It’s just too hard.”
Hebrews 10:24: Let us consider how to stir one another to love and good works.
“So, define: ‘stir one another…’”
Psalm 40:9-10: I have told the glad news of deliverance in the great congregation; behold, I have not restrained my lips, as you know, O Lord. I have not hidden your deliverance within my heart; I have spoken of your faithfulness and your salvation; I have not concealed your steadfast love and your faithfulness from the great congregation.
“Ok, woah. That’s got to get her attention because, I mean, she made a REALLY big deal about that verse in the book. In some ways, really, I’m pretty irritated because she should seriously know better by now. How many times does a person need to be taught the same dang lesson!?”
Matthew 18:21-22: Then Peter came to him and said, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I will forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.”
“Fair point. I’m a creative. I get moody and extreme sometimes. (Enneagram 4… if you, ya know, care about that…) Also. Just saying- she stuffed me into a locked chest in the darkest brain closet! I know you love her, but I always wonder if you love me, the part that really makes her unique. Sometimes I think I really should just stay here all locked away...”
Matthew 12:20: … a bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not quench.
“Are we talking about me, now? I am upset at being constantly rejected and locked away, don’t get me wrong. But I know why she does that. (See her published works.) That survivalist, self-denying, make-the-universe-work-for-everyone-else Jessica got us through A LOT, ya know? Surely you have more use for her than for me.”
Job 38:4: Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding.
“Ok. yes. You don’t need anything. You can get whatever you need done in your own ways. So, shouldn’t we both just take a hike? Could the writer/artsy/creative side and the ambulance driver/manager/helper both just slink away? Because this whole encounter is sort of making me think that I’m sorry. I’m sorry I called. I’ll stay in my trunk in the attic, and she’ll keep her head down and love on the kids at all costs. It’s fine… really, so sorry…”
Zephaniah 3:17: The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.
“...”
Jeremiah 29:11-14: For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.
“You are embarrassing me… I just don’t get it. But, also, I do. You make whole, unique, loved people, and you give us work to do. So… does all this mean I can get out of the cage? Is it actually ok to advocate for some creative, reflective, artistically productive time? It’s a global pandemic! How can I possibly matter right now?!”
Matthew 25:18: But he who had received the one talent went and dug in the ground and hid his master’s money.
“Oh. Shit.”
…
“I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to bury my gifts as though you are just watching for me to totally fail. There are so many demands on me right now. Being THE MOM. Homeschooling (I mean… what are the odds…). Churching. Holding space for others… SO MUCH SPACE. Facilitating my partner’s “work space.” Crying. Being careful. Did I mention crying?
“But, I love you. And I’ve been crying out, banging from the inside of this box, straining to look past the ceiling in moments of fear, chaos, and conflict. And this is how you have responded. Carefully, gingerly, humbly, I’ll go. I dare not take one step without your aid! But it’s time, time to speak, write, make, and dream again. I have no idea how it will look, but, wow, what a relief to, time after time, fall into your rescue, your steadfast, loving, strong, eternal being.”
Ephesians 3:20: Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or think, according the power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
*****
So, all that to say: being “full” or “whole” is so hard right now. Believing that anything we do can make a difference is an act of faith every day. But, I know that open-handedness, mindfulness, boldness, and vulnerability are only just as important (IF NOT MORE) than they have always been.
I am trying to look up, to speak up, and to find time for engaging the ingredients for total (mind, body, soul) health. It’s a tall, stinkin’ order. I’m not deluded. We have to be just what we were made to be, including useful and free to make decisions. And I’m grateful that the scraps I bring to the table could be made into a feast. Or not. I’m safe either way.
