What Urine is For

Dear Children,

In light of recent events, I feel pressed to clarify a few points regarding proper use of common household (bodily) chemicals (fluids). I hope you all can appreciate that I, a founding member of the Ribera Household Management Team, desire for everyone in our family of winners to live happy, healthy lives during their time here with us. Furthermore, as your mentors, trustees, and chief executive officers, my partner and I strive to ensure that, upon completion of your in-house training, you will be adequately equipped to continue in happy, healthy lifestyle under your own recognizance. To this end, I am compelled to reiterate the following:

Uses for Human Urine*

*colloquially know on 35th Ave NE as pee and, much to the disappointment of the management team, pee-pee or wee-wee. Street name, “piss,” shall not be tolerated.)

While experimentation, scientific inquiry, and creative artistry are much encouraged and shown in articles shared on Facebook to be vital to your healthy development and expression, the management wishes to remind family members that all material and supply use must be approved and sanctioned by at least one member of the management team.

1. Unauthorized use of urine as “chemical,” “paint,” or “fragrance” will be dealt with swiftly and according to the standard set of consequences.
2. Bottling urine (in ANY size vessel) is strictly prohibited.
3. Renaming urine any of the following does not turn pure, or even diluted, human urine into the thing you have labeled it as:
   1. “Disintegration Spray”
   2. “Acid”
   3. “Cleaner”
   4. “Repellant”
4. Urine disposal must be done in one of two manners: 1) in the toilet using the modern, innovative “flush” function or 2) on a tree trunk in the FOREST. (Please note: the backyard of our home is NOT a forest)
5. The following methods of urine disposal are strictly prohibited and violators are subject to the outer limits of management’s ability to administer creative consequences:
   1. In a laundry basket (regardless of the presence of clean or dirty laundry)
   2. In your bed (in the daytime while you are conscious)
   3. In your siblings’ beds (in the daytime while you are a jerk)
   4. In your siblings’ toy receptacles (even if you are “extremely jealous”)

In closing these guidelines, I offer this helpful acronym as a mnemonic device for making decisions when, in the future, you are tempted to use urine in an inappropriate fashion:

U.rine

R.eally

I.s

N.ot

E.xciting

Truly, I am correct. In short, when asking yourself, “What is urine for?” Please recall: the answer is

“NOTHING”

(except for, of course, the removal of unwanted toxins and excess fluids from the body. Management recognizes schools of thought regarding jellyfish stings and even extreme, rumored positions like those of 1990’s Walnut Hill School of the Arts ballet dancers’ use of urine in the treatment of blisters. These situations, however, will not arise during the course of regular business on 35th Ave NE).

I remain, as always,

Your Mother