The school year, that is. Or my POTS flare. Whichever comes first. No, last. The three schools thing has finally caught me, like a thief in an alleyway, caught me, emptied my pockets, and beaten me. (Wow, dramatic much?)
While I was delighted to attend my children's "concerts" (I mean, come on. That title gives more credit than is due.), I had the terrible realization after the second one... "We are going to have to do this for the next 18 years, multiple times per season." Honestly, I still haven't recovered from the thought. It's that exhausting. I'm racked out tired just from thinking about it! I am seriously losing steam as we round the bend to the finish line. 3. more. weeks. I feel like I'm hanging by a thread, a thread made of calendar reminders and the sheer will to survive.
That said, I had another stop-me-in-my-tracks thought today: "We made it!" God got us through, people! My two boys each started at a different new school this past Fall. (Hazel started preschool, but at least it was at a school I already new. Still, though, new to her!) When I look back at all the stress of making the decision to change course (from private to public), deciding which schools to attend, and propping the kids up for it all, I just have to fall to my knees and thank God that everything turned out as a great as it has. They can read. They adjusted. They made friends! I didn't ever forget anyone, and I only completely flubbed on my volunteering a couple of times. OK. A few. But, still, this is about the children, not me. I am so proud of them all, and we are all so thankful for the new friends, great teachers, and well-run institutions!
I'm looking forward to a relaxed Summer. Sure, we're doing some lessons and a couple little camps, but mostly things will be chill. Hopefully, I will get some more consistent time for my own thoughts to run through my head other than the litany of things I have to remember for everyone else. I'd really like to get back to writing more too! I want to keep cracking at the ballet memoirs and some more thoughtful stuff about parenting, faith, etc. We'll see if that happens! I am trying to hold my hands open when it comes to the writing. I love it and enjoy it, and I'm eager to see where it might go. But, for now, I got babies to raise, and that's Priority 1. It's difficult to know how much to pursue my own interests, knowing that I'm a healthier, more whole woman when I get to spend time on the things that inspire me, while also being sensitive to my family's phase of life. And the state of my body.
Yes, the POTS has been truly awful lately. It is manifesting itself in a slightly different way than I'm used to. I have a neurology visit coming up and will ask lots of questions. It makes me sad to think of how the last time I was there I was all sunshine and rainbows in the glow of my symptom-free baby bliss, and this time I will be right back to sick and confused. I do still have good days, but I haven't had one for the past week. Maybe I'll get some soon. My mental/emotional project is now to learn how to glide a bit more easily back and forth from easy days to hard ones. There just isn't much at all I can do physically to make things feel better on the hard days (except for go to bed, which I cannot usually do), but I want to work on not taking it so hard every time. I don't mean that I don't want to be disappointed or sad because it is disappointing and sad. I just want to learn to skip all the "Why??? What did I do differently? Why is it flaring now? Uggh, I'm going to have to cancel this and that! Uggh, I feel like such a crappy mom." And on and on. I want to shoot for a "Oh, how sad. I'm going to be limited by POTS today, but I can still enjoy so many things. I'll have to be kind to myself today and trust people to still love me and understand." Or some other such healthier inner monologue.
So, with all these things going on, school, POTS, my mental health, I have writing on a back burner. But it's still cooking. Just got to get to the end of June with all these cuties!
